9 times to get it right 

by Martin Fleming

I’ve always been one for testing on animals. This was particularly polarizing when I began working at the hardware store. Even discounting the “pre-used” hammers didn’t help shift them off the shelves. But I’m coming around.

 At first, I didn’t see the issue. Animals don’t have the same tattletale, screaming mentality as young children, and when you’ve finished with them, you can often use their fur to make slippers. The look on your girlfriend’s face when you give mice pelt feet warms will be reward enough.

 But I’ve come around. I agree with you left-wing hippies, with your vegan shampoos and your kale underpants. I understand that we need to choose the right animals for the right task. As Einstein said, If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, you’re going to get lousy clinical trial results. 

A lot of animals aren’t great at testing. Wild geese are all right, I guess, except I once spent a wild night chasing one and ended up nowhere.  

There are also a lot of qualms about testing on monkeys and I for one couldn’t agree more – they are excessively expensive. Not to mention the upkeep. Add to that a level of security required to keep them locked up and it isn’t worth the worth the effort. Movies have made it clear that protestors or, as I like to call them, anti-progress hippies, tend to gnaw through the monkey cages and release the assets into the wild. Getting another monkey isn’t as easy. There’s no Amazon Primate (Patent pending).

 Someone once said I had the straw hair of a camel, so I think they’d be great for testing out some new shades before I take the plunge. (Hump and Shoulders. Patent Pending.)

 That leaves us with cats. Speaking of cats – they seem the logical choice for animal testing. You get a lot of longevity out of a cat. They’re the coffee club card of animal testing – you get nine lives for the price of one. Think of all the testing you could do under the same conditions! While I’m sure there’s a little deterioration, it’s still better value for money. Testing the stability of a new concrete slab is much easier with an animal that can bounce back.

 Let’s get those cats into the military too. We’re fighting wars, you liberals! And if you’re not keen on sacrificing D students, then what alternative do we really have? Having a solider to the power of nine could prove the difference between winning a war and winning a war, later. With nine lives, felines could be turned into reincarnating super soldiers! Strap some explosives to them and watch them wander eventually into military zones, over and over again. Who would ever suspect Tipples with the cute blinking collar?!

I can’t wait to see the look on ISIS’ face when the same tawny alley cat keeps breaching their walls, claws raised, a stoic look on his face. “We killed you!” they’d scream, but our furry little guy will just smirk and rip their larynx out. (Maybe with a pithy remark, if we’ve taught them to talk by then. Patent pending.)

 Why stop there though? Throwing a slop of lipstick on a Russian Blue to make sure that our faces don’t bloat like a decomposing corpse is just the beginning.

I’m thinking cats replacing black boxes, I’m thinking cats being the new canary’s down the mine. Nuclear meltdown? Don’t stress, Jangles is going to go in and clean up the fallout.

And before you naysayers start piping in, I know animals feel pain, and for those animals with a craven or weak disposition, we’ll find them cushy office jobs. I’ve been in a few meetings which I’m sure took years off and would much rather have outsourced to a cat.  

Horses for courses, is what I’m saying. Particularly if it’s a course of antibiotics.