FACE/OFF (for the free trials)

By Martin Fleming

Despite growing a new moustache, my friend still managed to log into his phone via facial recognition. I was gobsmacked. My jaw dropped. How did this inanimate object know it was still him!? I hadn’t even recognsied him. The cappuccino stain across his upper lip completely threw me. At first I thought he was just a hipster; I ordered a kale brownie off him. Yet the phone managed to see through his cunning new disguise.

This future worries me. I’ve been planning for the AI take-over for years. Not in a bunker full of beans kind of way, but I’m always planning for ways to avoid advances in loophole closing technology.

Planning for the day that Netflix requires a face login, I’d always figured I’d just slap on a wig, pop in some false teeth and take advantage of another 30-days of free Orange is the New Black. It was such a cunning scheme. A scheme is different to a plan in that it requires both a smirk when you think of it and a level of cleverness not seen since Fantastic Mr. Fox’s golden years. 

My friend’s revelation that these machines have been bred to see past Halloween costumes is a set back. But all hope is not lost.

There is precedent for this technology. It was perfected sometime around 1996 and showcased in the documentary Face/Off, starring John Travolta and Nicholas Cage. The two characters literally switched faces in order to solve crime/prank their wives. Why this new tech was never featured on Shark Tank is beyond me, but regardless, I can envisage a world where there’s a black market on faces.

Face/Off technology will give the older generation a new revenue source. Grandma’s withered old alligator skin face is finally going to be put to more use than warning your kids about the danger of chain smoking and lead paint. My mom was recently worried she’d never be financially stable enough to retire, well good news, Mom, your body can retire and your face doesn’t have to!

The downside is of course that we need to trade faces. And while I’m sure there’s a lot of old ducks out there that want to have the face of rugged, prone-to-shiny-skin 30-something’s face, I’m not as keen on the reverse. We’ll need an education program, to remind them that this purely for the discounts. There’ll be a Face/Swap hourly rate, every 30 days, and that’s it. Then it’ll be back to the home with your non-subscription based television.

I had these same sort of ideas when fingerprint locking started to take off, but a lot of caregivers had moral objections to finger lopping. I’m not sure when we as a society started to become so precious about our extremities, but it’s a Waco in the making. 

Foreseeably, our world is going to be controlled with our faces. And the day that a 30-day free trial of Amazon Prime isn’t worth Face/Off’ing for, is going to be a cold day for humanity I’ll tell you that for free!